She… The Woman Who Wanted It All

 It was his birthday. Like every year, she knew it was her job to make it special. That is how it had always been. She had the party planned to the last detail. The kids were almost adults and could have been more helpful, but she knew better than to depend on them! As she picked his gift from the wrapping station, she decided to make it early to his house and get the preparations going. Getting into the driver’s seat, she turned towards the house that was once her home. A home for 17 years, a home built with love and memories. A home she had ‘dumped without a second thought’…. or so they said!

22 years back…..

They both had gone to the same university, pursued the same degrees, but only he had completed his education for 5 long years after their marriage, adding new degrees under his belt! She had worked to keep themselves afloat till he got into a blue-chip job. For the next 5 years, they had moved across countries, traveled the world, before finally settling to start a family. She had been integral to their struggle, taking up jobs by the side but never getting the chance to go back to college.

All she had to her credit were some 5–6 years of working to keep a steady income flowing in, while he always took the professional center-stage.

12 years back….

Her daughter was just born and the son was 5. She had almost single-handedly raised the kids. Cooked, cared, driven around, entertained, shopped, decorated, cleaned, and everything in between. She recalled her practiced pose in all her pictures back then. The daughter on the hips and the son holding her hand. The kids used to be glued to her. The father when he was around, took them on vacations, bought them gifts and toys, and spoiled them to make up for the missed milestones.

With the domesticity of life taking over, her own dream to see herself armed with the degrees that she had always planned on getting had remained just that….. A Dream!

6 years back

It was the investors’ meet at his office. Through the years, she had kept herself well-read about the business world. Her hunger for learning never ceased, and she always had some meaningful bytes to share, if anyone happened to ask her opinions on the market or the competition.

She always attended this event with him, if only for the chance to brush shoulders with women in powerful positions brandishing corporate wisdom. She wanted to be one among them, had always dreamed about it. Their extensive education, experience & intellect fuelled in her, the compulsive urge to become exactly her dream image of herself. A corporate diva! A woman on whom companies depended, the stalwart among the greats!

Every year when she came back from such events, she found herself extremely agitated. Why did she give up on her dream so easily? The promise of an equal partnership had somehow been violated, both by him and her. Did she take the easy way out, she wondered? Him working hard at the office, while she enjoyed the flexibility and freedom that an eight-figure salary brought? How did she lose track of her dream?

She tried hard to recollect her own 17-year-old self. Where did the passion, determination & clarity go? How could she move on with one easy swipe, calling it a natural progression in a woman’s life? Did having a family mean giving up on dreams?

How would the children, as they grew up, see their mother? Capable, of being able to handle almost everything single-handedly? Confident, for having a strong voice? Charismatic, for earning her own stripes?

Hounded by relentless questions and unknown even to her, a decision was being made by her mind. She just needed to bring her heart along, and make it happen!

Sleepless nights, lack of courage, fear of being judged, motherhood goals standing in the way, and fleeting time, she was on an emotional see-saw, until she finally put her foot down.

She held on to the dream raging like a fire inside her, it wasn’t too late she could still do it. She would do it.

The kids were merely 12 and 7. She knew they wouldn't understand, in fact, she doubted if anyone would, but she was willing to burn the bridges. She called on her biggest ally, her mother-in-law, to take over the reins at her home, while she flew bag and baggage to achieve her dream.

Forms were filled, applications were sent, she stayed locked in her room studying for hours at stretch, readying up for the mail that would signal her acceptance and her second innings at the school! It was difficult to imagine now, that she had ever done anything else in life than prepare for this day. Was this the mother of 2, or was it the enthused college-goer setting her dreams into motion? From being a tired, over-worked mother over the years, she had back-tracked into a tireless, youthful student all over again. It could happen, if you wanted to make it happen, she told herself!

The next 3 years had been about unlearning, thinking about her own needs, and mingling with people half her age and twice her wit. What she lacked in spontaneity, she made up with experience. The tight deadlines, staying up all night, always having Plan B, not losing the momentum, not letting failures slow you down, submitting your work between quick lunches, there was so much that sheer experience could fortify a person with!

She was bursting with energy to fulfill her long-standing dream, the dream that was an ambition with clear goals in sight. A dream that was based on concrete plans now. Something that was in her hands and within her sight.

Not only did she finish her course but also got into a prestigious University for further specialization. She had to move countries again, this time by herself & for herself! 5 years flew by, and she was back home swelling with pride at having her dream fulfilled, finally! After almost 2 decades!

A year back

She had been inducted into a flourishing company in her neighborhood. For someone who had been in hibernation for almost 17 years, she was steadily making her climb in the corporate world, impacting business decisions, mentoring young minds, affecting lives. She was eternally indebted to her mother-in-law, but now that the success bug had bit her hard, she did not want to relinquish her position to become a homemaker again. It was just unimaginable, besides the point that her kids were almost grown-ups and had managed rather well without her.

She was an upcoming name in the corporate circle, she was called to speak at events and write for important publications. She was slowly and steadily getting right where she belonged, next to him- after 17 full years!

Ambition fueled her, but success always leaves scars.

She had started noticing the cracks. For all the hard work of 12 years, the absence of 5 years had brought in a sense of detachment for the kids. Their interactions with her were painfully short and robotic. She attributed it to the teens, but resignedly acknowledged the choice she had made 5 years back. She knew what she was bargaining for! Her mother-in-law had done a great job of bringing them up in the absence of their mother, but perhaps they needed a voice of reason explaining their mother’s choice in a way that they would understand. Did they ever get to hear that voice, she wondered?

There were times she felt like an outsider in her own haven, the home she had designed, decorated, and filled with loving memories.

The questions had started again. Could an absence of 5 years diminish the love of 17 years? Did pursuit of her dreams ask a price that was too heavy to pay? Perhaps she had fallen from the superwoman status to that of a working woman. The invisible cape on her back was replaced with feathers in her cap, if only one noticed!

Why couldn’t she have the privilege of being successful, both at home and at work?

With answers, she found acceptance. No, perhaps success at home and at work did not go hand in hand, at least not wholeheartedly. There was always something that wouldn't be enough. This kind of hard-earned success called for partnerships, from family, from colleagues, from spouses, from bosses, from the children, from the team members. And you couldn’t get them all to sync, not every time. She also knew by then, that to make others happy, she had to start with herself. She had to give herself time and space and watch while the pieces moved around to fit.

And so she had taken another decision. She bought herself another house. The subtle detachment, the unappreciative comments about her ‘escapism’ 6 years back, and her desperate need to cling back to what she had left behind were depriving her of truly enjoying her success. Her ‘home’ was where it had always been, but she missed the sense of inclusion. She needed to be valued for who she was. And to be won back into the fold. This time, she wouldn't give up on herself for the ‘larger good’, for the family. She wanted to see how much would the family bend itself to accommodate another winner. Would they be willing to share her success as she had theirs?

Today…..

The test is still on. She’s learned to love her family from a distance, knowing that time is the best healer. Like every year, she has got his birthday party underway, welcoming the guests with her trademark smile. Like every year, she is still the doting wife and the perfect hostess. For a bystander, everything looks just the same. Her success at work doesn't seem to have affected the household equation. As a woman worth her salt, she is confident that equations can be balanced, but it takes two, or in her case, four! She’d never give up on them. It remains to be seen whether they would stick it out for her.